Category Archives: Love

Memories of May

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The month of May brought with it several anniversaries and some bittersweet memories. Four years ago this month I became a Reiki master and eight years ago I completed my masters degree and added MSW after my name.

I celebrated my Reiki master anniversary by teaching a level 2 class to some lovely healers. There aren’t enough words to describe how much it means to me to share this technique with others and it was a perfect way to commemorate this milestone. Reiki has brought so much love, healing and connection into my life. I am proud to have a growing group of students who are doing great work in the world.

In reflecting on my social work career, I find myself missing my college days (because really who doesn’t?!) but also my clients and the relationship I had with them.

At my first internship I was afraid to hang out with the clients in the milieu. What would I say to them? I also remember being totally baffled when someone said they forgot a client’s name and then laughing to myself when it was me forgetting. Yes, we establish close relationships with these people but we are human. And honestly some clients are more memorable than others.

It’s an honor to do this work though and it has been filled with moments of tenderness. I have sat and cried with a client who just lost her father. Another whose dog died suddenly. I have kept small keepsakes made or given to me by clients, I still wonder how many of them are doing and I remember the birthday of a client who died each year.

Professional boundaries keep us from being able to stay in touch, but it doesn’t mean we don’t remember the connections we have made which often happen in a persons most vulnerable times in life. We sometimes spend more time with our clients than we do with our own family and close friends.

I’ve been out of the social work game for some time now and I don’t know if I’ll go back. But I do miss the deep connections I made and that I got to be there for so many people when they needed support and comfort. I can only hope maybe they think of me from time to time too. And not even me per se, but something I shared with them or the feeling they had of being accepted and understood.

The Myth of Mastery

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This past weekend I had the pleasure of teaching my first Reiki Master class. I’ve been teaching Levels 1 & 2 since 2012 and I have come across so many wonderful souls on this journey. It is one of my greatest joys in life to share this healing technique with those who are interested. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher, mostly because I loved learning and I admired my teachers. And while my original intent was to be a school teacher, this role of teaching has morphed into many different things, one of them being sharing and teaching Reiki.

I knew in my heart I wanted to teach the master level at some point but I never felt enough mastery to justify it. As with most of the things I have interest in, I feel I could go a lifetime and not understand it all. Lucky for me the universe sent me all the right signs that I was in fact ready and to get my butt in gear. And so it was that I had the most beautiful weekend with 5 other healers on the path.

The thing I struggled with the most, was that because Reiki has been passed down over the years, there are variations on the teachings. I wanted to share the most authentic, closest to source information available but damned if I could figure out what that was. Usui (the founder of this kind of Reiki) lived long ago and there are not many people who truly know what he was offering. Especially since it is widely known that Takata, the women responsible for bringing it to the West, took liberties of her own. I agonized over what was right and what was wrong and second guessed a lot of it as I prepared for the training. After meditating, chatting with my Master and asking for guidance the message was clear “Teach what you learned, keep your intentions pure and your heart and mind open.” And the much needed reminder that this path of being a Master is not about knowing it all but about showing up to the practice and being dedicated to ongoing learning.

Did I know absolutely everything I needed to know? Not really. Did I have the most authentic version of the teachings? No one will ever know. Did I show up fully and share with my whole heart? Absolutely. And did my students learn something new that they can now share with others? You’re damn right they did!

The weekend was more than just about the Reiki Master teachings. It was about embracing ourselves just as we are, taking such good care of ourselves on a regular basis and answering the call to share as much love and healing with others as we can muster. That is true dedication to mastery.  And as the Dalai Lama says,

“The planet does not need more ‘successful people.’ The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds”

Reiki master class photo

Spiritual Hygiene – Just do it!

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I brush my teeth every day…at least twice a day really. But somehow I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to meditate every day. I told countless stories in my head about how I could still be spiritual, a good yogini and healer even, without a consistent meditation practice. It’s not that I didn’t try. I had periods where I got my butt to my cushion several days or even weeks in a row. But, it never became a daily routine I could keep.

I would be lying if I said that I am stellar at being consistent with anything. I struggle to keep healthy habits, like many of us I imagine. I had a period in my life where I juiced every day for close to two years, one of my best streaks to date!

Today, my 90th day of meditation in a row feels pretty sweet. Three months is a solid effort but it truly feels like a habit now. I felt validated about how far I have come this past weekend when I attended the Yoga Journal Live! conference. Friday morning I went to the guided meditation and I found myself wishing for more silence. The facilitator was, I suspect, just trying to make it accessible for everyone but she guided just a little too much for me. I was yearning to just be with my own thoughts. It was a pivotal moment.

Just to clarify, the goal of meditation is not to clear your mind of thoughts. That is an impossible task that would leave all of us feeling like failures. Meditation helps clear out the junk that life throws at us with the simple goal of more peace and a deeper connection to self. There is also a ton of research out there about how helpful it is on a mind, body and spirit level. Even the most skeptical can’t argue with the research about the many benefits of meditation.

I don’t find it easy all the time but just like anything in life, practice really does make better. And I have to say I feel more peaceful about a lot of things. I specifically noticed an area in which I would normally react, and most recently did not.

I totally understand if you are thinking meditation is not for you or if your mind is finding all the excuses. I have been there and I can’t promise I won’t end up there at some point in the future. But just for today, I am happily sitting for 20 minutes each day when I wake. It makes me a better wife, friend, teacher and human in general.

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Faith and Flow

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My words for 2015 were Faith and Flow. I choose them before the year starts without much of an understanding of how they will play out. I allow them to unfold organically and trust that I brought them into my awareness for a specific reason.

Faith

I got married this year. And as much of a beautiful experience and wonderful blessing it has been, it did take some faith on my part. Faith that marriage was going to work for me, faith in myself and in my partnership. For me allowing marriage into my life has been a long process that faith definitely played a part in. This is the first full year I have spent away from my hometown, family and friends. We moved up north at the end of last year and a lot of faith has gone into accepting this as the right move for my little family. I have to practice faith in my husband to be the provider; he makes it pretty easy luckily. We received a notice to move out just after getting back from our honeymoon and had to hold faith that we would find a great new place in time. We definitely did and are so much happier in this new space. But there are the things that haven’t fallen into place quite as easily, It’s the disappointments and unanswered prayers that require even more faith. 2015 did not bring everything I had hoped and it requires practicing constant and ongoing faith that all is happening in perfect timing.

Flow

I just love this word! To me it is a state of mind, body and spirit and where I am connected to my highest self. It is somewhere I want to spend more time but a place I find somewhat fleeting. This year I found my flow teaching yoga and reiki, creating and delivering a yoga and psychology themed workshop, leading women’s circles and taking some amazing trainings. I flowed with more singing and dancing this year both on my own and in my circles. Aligning my flow with nature is something I explored more both at home and during some fun travels. I flowed into my new role as wife and primarily stay at home wife, or Domestic Goddess as we call it at our house. I had moments of flow in my own yoga practice and flowed into a new dedication to a daily meditation. Flow was my state when planning and setting intention for some awesome things for next year. To me flow is an organic state that we must allow although some planning doesn’t hurt as long as we stay flexible. Like seaweed anchored to the ocean floor, flow allows us to move freely while being grounded in our truth.

My words for 2016 are Grounded and Fertile.  I have some ideas of what I would like to see but I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. Wishing you a prosperous new year with so much love and light.

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My best nine from Instagram are a pretty good summary of 2015

Thank you – A love poem

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Disclaimer: I hit publish but had to come back and add this. Please know if you are someone who has things they just can’t be grateful for – now or ever. I honor you and that truth. This was just true (and needed) for me today.

Giving thanks for what we have is just the start.

What if we give thanks for what we don’t have, what hasn’t shown up yet or even the challenges that seem to be blocking us?

Each and every piece of this radically beautiful life is just as it should be.

It’s easy to be grateful for all the cosmic yeses and all the things that go just the way we planned but what about the nos, the losses, the failures, the not yets?

These are just as much a part of the story and worthy of our gratitude.

Maybe even more so than all that’s going right because each challenge gets us closer to our truth.

The path is illuminated not just by what falls into place but also by what falls apart.

Be thankful for everything. All of it. The highs and lows. The yeses and nos.

Practice gratitude for each and every precious moment.

Thanksgiving morning wake up call

Thanksgiving morning wake up call

Art of Attention

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Earlier this week I got to spend three days with Elena Brower in her Art of Attention Teacher Enhancement Module. She first came onto my radar about 5 years ago at Wanderlust in Squaw Valley. It was clear she was bringing something special to the table and I have continued to follow her and be inspired by her work. I know I will be unpacking the wisdom that she shared over the coming weeks, months and maybe even years but here are some of the stand out gems.

Throughout the three days Elena returned again and again to the simple but profound idea that we have to practice what it is we are seeking. If we want more trust in life, learn how to trust ourselves. If we want to become better teachers, be better students. If we want those around us to act a certain way, lead the way as the example. If we worry about others judging us, stop judging others. If we want abundance in our lives, give abundantly. Remarkably simple but monumentally profound.

Cultivating our own practices was of utmost important to her. What we share with others we must first do ourselves. She implored us all to get serious about our meditation practice and make it a non-negotiable part of our daily lives. I’ll be the first to say my meditation practice is inconsistent at best. I know the value of it and I have periods – sometimes even fairly long ones – where I am very on top of it. And then something gets in the way.

Writing at least one blog post per month is one of the few promises that I have made to myself and actually kept. Keeping a journal is another. I have been consistent in sharing something with the world each month for the past 31 months. It feels good and I am proud of myself. But there are too many other promises that have been broken and frankly the stakes are high. My daily practices determine how I show up in the world and ultimately my overall happiness in life. As Elena put it, “our happiness is our service” and so I recommit to my meditation practice first and foremost. 20 minutes of sitting each day to clear out the accumulation of hurt, doubt, fear, sadness and shitty thoughts.

My gratitude runs deep for some extremely potent teachings that have been passed on to me from Elena and many other gifted teachers. These gifts are largely unwrapped but not yet fully appreciated. They come together over time like pieces of a great puzzle. Sometimes duplicated but always fitting a little differently. I commit to diving in each chance I get so that I can always share from a place of experience.

Elena and I

Elena and I

Art of Attention family

Art of Attention family

Love Like the Banks of the River

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My commitment to myself and this site is one post per month so I already had a blog topic planned out. As much as I like being a free spirit, I also dig a good plan and find it comes in handy in many ways. But, because life is funny like that and I can be flexible, something else caught my attention.

My husband made a comment the other night that his path in life is clear, now I just need to find mine. At first my feelings were hurt…”What, I don’t have a clear path?!” But the more I thought about it the more I realized I only know vaguely what I want to do: help others. But it constantly changes and evolves each time I get inspired or learn something new. I thought I was destined to be a therapist starting as young as my peer helper days and into my clear delineation in the field of Psychology and Social Work. But that hasn’t brought me the joy and fulfillment that I desire and so I find myself searching for how to make a difference, keep my sanity and love my work.

Blake believes his purpose in life is to love me. Plain and simple. No strings attached. Just love me for me. Wow, right?! In fact, he says he felt this very strongly from the beginning of our relationship even before he knew for sure it was love. He didn’t tell me until we were more established as a couple and when a few of my trust issue barriers had been broken down a bit. Even then it was a lot for me to absorb. I know not everyone finds a partner like this although I know a few others who feel an intense amount of devotion from their partner. As absolutely lovely as it is sometimes it can be scary as well. And to some it sounds crazy. I recently shared this with a friend and their response was “Isn’t that a little obsessive?” Ha! Why, yes, yes it is! But not in a creepy stalker way, in a this love is so big I can’t contain it way. And yet that’s exactly what his love does: contain me. It literally creates a container for me to figure out how I want to serve.

Like the banks of a river creating shape, preventing an all out flood, my lovers intense love for me lets me be the river. I may tumble some rocks along the way, float leaves and twigs to a new destination and nourish the plants and animals who live nearby.  But, above all I get to flow freely.

Let me be clear, my husband’s devotion to me does not mean he has no interests of his own or that he follows me around like a lap dog. He is perfectly capable of moving through the world and taking care of his own shit. But like many of us who seek to find a purpose in life, it just makes things easier.

And also just because my purpose and path is not necessarily only about loving him does not mean that I am not also a devoted, loving wife. It is my honor to be married to him and we all win when there is enough love to go around for all. I may never get crystal clear on what my specific path is either. I know giving back and making the world a nicer place is on my list of to-dos in this life but that may show up in hundreds of ever-changing ways and I’m ok with that. I know the banks of the river will hold me as long as they are needed and that is one of the greatest blessings I can imagine.

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I Do….And I Don’t

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One week from today I am getting married! Who knew I would be so excited about something I wasn’t even sure I wanted. My opinion about marriage has varied over the years; much of the time I didn’t think it was for me. Mostly out of fear that it would end in divorce like my parents and so many others. But after 6 happy years with my man, a lot of heart healing and soul searching, and a few serendipitous events, I am thrilled to be saying yes to the institution of marriage. Don’t get me wrong, we will still do things our way which is usually far from traditional. Starting with a small family ceremony where I will be wearing every color but white.

I also recently came to the conclusion that I don’t want to do therapy anymore, at least not the way I had been doing it. It feels like a breakup of epic proportions. This truth hit me during a yoga class and my eyes immediately filled with tears. It is no surprise to me that anytime I look at job postings for hospital work, it makes me feel like I’m having trauma flashbacks. I knew my last job was really dragging me down; hell everyone knew it.  But, I’m talking I don’t even want to do the private practice work that actually was nourishing. I decided not to renew my membership to the National Association of Social Workers. The thing is I still stand by the mission and core values of the Social Work profession and yet I’m turning in my social worker card.

The end of my single life will be replaced by the beginning of a new adventure of wedded bliss. What I thought was the destination to my career path turns out to only be a springboard into the unknown. One feels exciting and love-drenched while the other feels scary but ripe with opportunity. I honor them both as they have shown up in my life and trust that the unfolding will be perfect.  Death and Re-birth are all part of the cycle of life. I call upon the courage to let die what needs to die in order to make room for new growth. Just like nature brings forth new life after the bleak of winter, I can’t wait to see the beauty of what blooms.dafodils

Energy Healer Heal Thyself: A Self-Care Technique

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Since moving up north I have been hosting a Women’s Circle each month at the new moon. It’s been a great way for me to meet some new people and connect in a sacred way. I love facilitating the group and being nourished by the lovely women who show up each month. This month the focus was on self-care and self-love and I led the group through an energy healing technique to open the circle and ground. I was reminded of the importance of doing this on a regular basis for myself. I often find myself laying hands on my own body for various imbalances and ailments but I had not done a formal self healing in awhile. It helps balance out the body and energy system and can be done as often as you like. And since I fully believe that we each have the ability to heal ourselves, it was a good reminder for me.

It’s a great way to start or end your day or any time you feel like you need to relax or energize. The great thing about energy work is that you will get exactly what you need each time. There are versions of this in various traditions and they are all slightly different but I encourage you to let your intuition be your guide on this one.  The Reiki self-healing technique starts at the head whereas the Healing Touch self connection starts at your feet. But, depending on how you feel from day to day, you could start at your belly.

Start by taking a few deep breaths and get comfortable seated on a chair or on the ground.  Imagine that you are growing roots like a tree and feel yourself grounding. Set the intention that this healing will be for the highest good of all concerned and that you will receive everything that you need whether you know what that is or not. If you have the time and space you can light a candle or some incense and play soft music to set the mood but any time you can devote to this is fine.

Next start by placing your hands somewhere on your body. Again you can start at your feet and work your way up, the reverse of this, or any which way you like. If you are experiencing pain somewhere you could start there. As you place your hands bring your attention to this area of the body and imagine sending healing energy. This could be in the form of an affirmation, gratitude, imagining white light, or love. If you have learned any symbols associated with energy techniques or have something else that resonates with you, feel free to use that as well. Make sure you keep breathing throughout and imagine the fresh oxygen is flooding the area where your hands are.

Spend as much time as you think you need at this first spot and then move on when you feel ready. It feels nice to keep your hands connected as much as you can so during transitions either move one hand at a time or slide to the next position. You can decide what spots to include along the way and it might be different every time. It’s great to hit the 7 main chakra points but there are so many other options and all are beneficial. Take 5-10 minutes or 30-45; any amount is perfect. Also, if there is a spot that you can’t comfortably reach you can imagine you are touching that spot. The saying in energy work is “energy flows where attention goes” or “action follows intention” so simply just envisioning the spot you want to give some love to will do.

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http://www.sage-thyme.com/what-are-chakras/

End with gratitude for yourself and all the helpers and teachers in your life (angels, ancestors, guides, animals, etc) and take a few more deep breaths. Bring back the tree root visual or anything else that helps you feel grounded and give yourself time to transition to your next activity. Make sure to have some water and check in with how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Sometimes you will feel refreshed and relaxed but other times this may bring up agitation or irritability. If negative feelings are strong or lasting and/or you are having trouble grounding try to get outside and put your bare feet into the earth. Repeat as often as you like!

Power and Balance

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Power and Balance were the words I chose for my 2014. The process of choosing them is pretty simple; before the year starts I take the first thing that comes to mind provided that the words feel good to me. I have no idea how they will play out but I just trust that they are perfect.

Power

I have to admit, this word surprised me a little when it showed up. Power sounded harsh but I realized it’s because we have been conditioned to see power and the abuse of power as inextricably related. I know that we all are powerful beings who sometimes forget this universal truth and shrink when it comes to using our power in a positive way.  I wanted to feel powerful in a way that affirmed my skills, my confidence and my personal empowerment. Power showed up for me in several ways this year. I felt powerful as a teacher. I taught a weekly yoga class and I taught several reiki classes. In both I felt the power of sharing information and being open to learning more with every step of my teaching. I felt the power of knowledge in several classes that I took on yoga, reiki, meditation, therapeutic techniques and language. There is power in possibility and I came up with many directions I can take my business and my offerings to the world.  The power of sisterhood continues to floor me and I am grateful for all the wonderful connections I continue to nurture. I got engaged this year and felt immense power in the love I share with my fiance and also in embracing my divine feminine nature. Previously I felt that I had to show my power by being independent and not needing anyone else. I have since learned that there is power in partnership. Being open to a role that you are hardwired to play and that compliments another person is an awesome display of power.

Balance

Finding balance is something that we are all seeking (right?!) and a word that we therapists throw around like a Sunday football. Work/life balance, balanced diet, balance in yoga practice, balancing time alone and time spent with others. I could go on and on about our use of this word but guess what?  I call bullshit! My apologies to clients who have heard me talk about this and believed me. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it has a use and is important in our seeking peace and calm in life but sometimes things are just messier than that. Sometimes balance in the traditional sense just isn’t possible. My year was all over the place when it comes to balance. I was stuck in a job that was sucking me dry, begging for a way out. Now I’ve quit my job, moved to a new place and the scale has completely tipped. The only thing I have to worry about now is what yoga class to go to and what I am making for dinner. No more grouchy nights and self-loathing mornings. This feels much better of course but I also know things will shift. I will start working again and it won’t be as effortless to get to my meditation cushion each morning. So yes, balance is important but I’d like to redefine it as an always moving, work in progress that we never quite master. And, I’m totally ok with that!

My words for 2015 have been mulled over a bit and what sticks are Faith and Flow. I can’t wait to see what the year ahead brings. May 2015 bless you all with whatever your soul calls for.

 

Yes to love!

Yes to love!

Reiki Sisters

Reiki Sisters

Small kitty in a big new place

Small kitty in a big new place