Leaning into Fear

Not long ago I wrote about learning to play the harmonium and the path that led me to it.  I am happy to report I have been learning and playing and loving every minute of it! It is hard not to feel blissful after chanting these really beautiful and powerful mantras. The ease in which all of this came into my life affirmed this is what I need right now.

I was feeling very grateful and that all was in perfect order!! That is, until I was asked to play in front of people.  My immediate reaction when my yoga teacher asked if I would play at her yoga teacher training graduation was “I’m not ready!” “What if I screw up?” “I can’t possibly be good enough to have people hear me!”  Luckily this doubt didn’t last long because my highest self stepped in and said “Jesalyn, would you really follow your intuition and the path to bringing this into your life, even when it didn’t make much sense, and then say no to your first gig?!” I had said yes so many times along the way but suddenly being afraid of looking bad or not being ready was going to stop me. I am happy to say that I did play and it was an amazing first experience. I certainly wasn’t perfect but I made mistakes that most people didn’t even notice. Most importantly, I felt supported and loved by everyone around me including the universe. It was an incredibly special moment since this was not just any yoga teacher but my very first ever teacher. I knew her when I was 17 and falling in love with yoga for the first time. I reconnected with her recently and have become a part of her amazing studio.

There are more times in my life than I’d like to recount where I did let fear stand in my way but thankfully this was not one of them. In fact, I will soon play in my dear friend’s yoga class as my second kirtan gig. Am I afraid of that? Yes, absolutely.  But, I am also excited and grateful that I am starting something amazing. I think if we didn’t start before we were ready we might never do anything. I look forward to making mistakes and learning from them but doing so with an open heart and so much joy.

Here’s to living a life where you feel the fear but do it anyway! I leaned into my fear and it was joyful and fulfilling. Who knows what I’ve missed due to fear but I am trying my best to use my fear as a compass to guide me. I’ve learned that fear is usually a good indicator that something amazing is on the other side.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” ~Neale Donald Walsh

me and Jolie

Jolie and I in front of the Ganesha puja

 

Musings on Meat-Eating and Non-Judgement

I have been a vegetarian for 13 years.  It started in middle school when we started talking about health food and healthy eating.

12 year old me: “Mom, I want to be a vegetarian”

Mom: “That’s nice sweetie. Vegetarians eat vegetables”

And so it went that if I wanted to be a vegetarian I guess I had to start eating vegetables. At that time I think my palate was willing to tolerate tomatoes, cucumbers and carrots with the occasional lettuce with lemon for dressing. I was NOT one of those kids who would eat any vegetable drenched in ranch. I still can’t stand the stuff! My mom was very patient with me and slowly introduced tasty things like stuffed peppers and zucchini, which is still one of the favorites.  I think I can safely say I out eat her in the veggie department now.

I became a full fledged vegetarian in high school after giving up various types of meat in stages; the last to go was fish.  While I will fully admit I was partially motivated in the beginning by thinking this was the “cool” thing to do, I backed up my beliefs and decisions with research and read both of John Robbins’ books on a plant based diet as well as subjected myself ongoing to gnarly factory farming videos.

Fast forward to college where I joined an environmental group on campus with lots of other passionate vegetarians. We felt it was our mission to educate others about the horrors of eating meat or exploiting animals in other ways. This meant handing out pamphlets, wearing t-shifts from PETA, hosting movie screenings and wait for it…protesting outside of a honey baked ham store before Easter. I’m not particularly proud of that one!  I prided myself in being educated and able to give anyone a reason that eating animals was impacting something they loved: the environment, starving children, their health, or the animals themselves.  I really, truly thought that anyone and everyone could and should be a vegetarian if they just knew the facts. It was just the right thing to do! But, in retrospect I know I was mostly being judgmental and shaming even though I meant well.

My take on things has changed quite a bit. I now realize that not every body can live without meat. In an ideal world, we would all eat a plant based diet but my personal year as a vegan left me feeling deprived and looking quite sickly. I have no doubts that I would be a better and healthier vegan now but I choose not to be. I am very happy being a vegetarian who eats cheese and it feels right for me. And, I know all the arguments and research against eating it. I know vegans who I respect and admire very much but I also know people who will chow down on a burger when they want and I love them and their decisions just as much.  I think Michael Pollan said it well, “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants”  I am still a huge advocate for a diet that includes lots of fruits and veggies but if you need to throw in a small piece of (hopefully local, organic) meat every now and then I won’t throw pamphlets down your throat or secretly judge you.  In the past, I found myself gasping at stories such as the 20+ year vegetarian who woke up one day and wanted a rare steak but I hope I can continue to honor what my body needs and be open to the idea that it might change.

Please don’t think I am saying I’ve got it all figured out because if I am honest with you I do still cringe, aka judge when I see people eat McDonald’s or feed their kids junk and I sometimes find myself back in that “but, you should be a vegetarian mode.”  The trick is I am getting better about catching myself and just sending love instead.  That’s the shift that has been huge for me. All we are all looking for is love and acceptance. If I can step back and just send love to any individual or situation that gets me all riled up that could make all the difference for everyone. In what area of your life can you send love? Where can you let go a little?  Lots of love, acceptance and honoring your body for all!!