Category Archives: Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!

Haiku Very Much

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I’ve made it a new normal to make time for creativity. Painting, writing, drawing, dancing. It’s still a struggle since it is a new reality for me but it’s imperative. I can no longer hide behind the guise of not being a creative person. I tried and it doesn’t work. A beautiful byproduct of being human is that we are all creative. Let me say that again for those of you hiding like I was: WE ARE ALL CREATIVE! And I have to create to keep the channel open. It doesn’t have to be good but I still have to create to keep the juices flowing. The pool of creativity is endless but you have to jump in and get wet. Putting paint on paper has been a huge healer for me as has writing haikus. It’s one of the easiest things to create on the fly and it’s quite fun. 3 lines, 5, 7 & 5 syllables, endless opportunities. Here are a few of mine.

Change is coming soon.
Full moon magic gently calls.
Peace through transition

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Waiting, wishing, hope.
Believe. All is provided.
Trust the Universe.

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My evolution
creates transformation. Breathe.
Ride the waves of life.

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No one got the rules
of how to be an adult.
We are all fumbling.

Be patient. Forgive
Yourself and others. Choose love.
Time waits for no one.

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You Have to Play to Win: Showing Up and Being Seen

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How many times in life do we sit back and wish that something were different but take no action? I’ve been guilty of it many times before. Most recently I found myself watching friends get published in online journals and feeling a pang of envy. I would be happy for them but wish it were happening to me too. And yet I had not submitted anything. I was approached in 2014 to write for an online anxiety website and an article of mine had been published. It was a neat experience but I did not pursue it much further mostly because I got busy with my move up north but also because I asked myself “what would I write about that would add value to the world?”

But each time I would hear that someone had been published I just couldn’t shake that yearning. I still couldn’t imagine what I would contribute but I also started to realize that if I didn’t submit anything at all I would never find out. One morning with the creativity Gods on my side, I awoke early with a great idea. I wrote it out, submitted it, was asked to do some edits and was on my way to being published.

So I made into the club that I had been lusting after. It was fun, a little scary and ultimately not what I had made it out to be in my head. See some of the story I was telling myself was about why I wasn’t qualified to get something published. Who am I to share wisdom outside of my little tiny blog? Who would read it and would they even care? As you might already know, the stories we tell ourselves are powerful. Even when they are not based in any reality we have a funny way of accepting them as the absolute truth.

The real truth is we all have something to add to this world. Every single one of us! It may not come in the form of being published but that was the call that was pulling me and ultimately I had to squash the voice that told me I had nothing to offer. For me, that voice is a mix of fear, doubt and not feeling good enough but it’s only as powerful as we let it be. As Krishna Das says “Don’t believe everything you think.”

I’ve been working on another creative project in the form of a podcast and I think that experience not only inspired me to explore other mediums of creating but also to show up no matter what. I have never put together a podcast. I didn’t know the first thing about it. But I knew that I wanted desperately to connect with these amazing women I have the pleasure of knowing and I thought somebody else might want to listen in on our conversations. So I went for it and nothing about it has been perfect but it has been the perfect experience for me right now.

And as it goes, this all happened in perfect timing. That twinge of desire is what drove me to create and wouldn’t you know it, once I got the ball rolling I had not one but two articles published within a week of each other. I know that voice that held me back will creep in again throughout my life. Maybe in this same area or maybe in another, but I hope I continue to choose to show up anyway. Brene Brown talks about showing up and being seen in her work but specifically in her book Daring Greatly. There will always be critics and often they are ourselves. But if we don’t show up and go for it we will by default avoid failure but we will also miss out on achievement. I know which world lights me up and keeps me inspired.

Here are the articles in case you’d like to have a read:

Confessions of a Feminist who Loves being a Housewife

Lessons on Being: Commitment to a Meditation Practice 

I Do….And I Don’t

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One week from today I am getting married! Who knew I would be so excited about something I wasn’t even sure I wanted. My opinion about marriage has varied over the years; much of the time I didn’t think it was for me. Mostly out of fear that it would end in divorce like my parents and so many others. But after 6 happy years with my man, a lot of heart healing and soul searching, and a few serendipitous events, I am thrilled to be saying yes to the institution of marriage. Don’t get me wrong, we will still do things our way which is usually far from traditional. Starting with a small family ceremony where I will be wearing every color but white.

I also recently came to the conclusion that I don’t want to do therapy anymore, at least not the way I had been doing it. It feels like a breakup of epic proportions. This truth hit me during a yoga class and my eyes immediately filled with tears. It is no surprise to me that anytime I look at job postings for hospital work, it makes me feel like I’m having trauma flashbacks. I knew my last job was really dragging me down; hell everyone knew it.  But, I’m talking I don’t even want to do the private practice work that actually was nourishing. I decided not to renew my membership to the National Association of Social Workers. The thing is I still stand by the mission and core values of the Social Work profession and yet I’m turning in my social worker card.

The end of my single life will be replaced by the beginning of a new adventure of wedded bliss. What I thought was the destination to my career path turns out to only be a springboard into the unknown. One feels exciting and love-drenched while the other feels scary but ripe with opportunity. I honor them both as they have shown up in my life and trust that the unfolding will be perfect.  Death and Re-birth are all part of the cycle of life. I call upon the courage to let die what needs to die in order to make room for new growth. Just like nature brings forth new life after the bleak of winter, I can’t wait to see the beauty of what blooms.dafodils

Let Go or Be Dragged

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I’m moving to San Jose.

Those are 5 words I never ever thought I would say. Moving has not been on my radar at all, but this Native San Diegan is taking off for the Bay Area. In the past when I thought about moving, it was always to another country because I couldn’t imagine finding anywhere in the U.S. that I would like better than San Diego. I still think San Diego is pretty rad. It’s where I was born and raised and where all my family lives. But, sometimes the path we think we are on is different from the one we are actually living.

I’ve also been unhappy at my day job for more than a year.

That’s a phrase I have uttered and one that I have felt deep into the core of my being. But I stayed anyway. Why? Fear about sums it up.

Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear that I couldn’t find anything better. Fear that doing what I love wouldn’t pay the bills.

And so when I told a good friend that I was finally going to be able to give my notice she mentioned the Zen saying “let go or be dragged”. My yoga teacher and friend said “this is what will get you out of that job finally!” and countless others commented on how excited I must be to leave.

This upcoming move has left me no choice but to leave a job I have long since felt passionate about, but in turn I will be leaving behind many things I do love. I trust in the process though and I know that this will be a good move and that really I have been asking for this. Feeling stressed, coming home crying on a semi-regular basis and even shedding tears at work wasn’t enough to do it. So here I am with less than 2 weeks left at my job and no plan for what I will do when I get up north. My fiance was offered an amazing job opportunity and will be able to support the family (me, him and the cat) while I get settled.

And still there is fear. I have always worked and live in this paradigm where I have to support myself and bring in income. But, here is an opportunity to get my bearings, figure out what direction I want to go and trust that all will work out perfectly. I have so many passions and a deep desire to share them and so I step into this new journey knowing that I have to give up the life I planned in order to have the life that is waiting for me.

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Creativity and Collaboration

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Creativity and collaboration have been my words for 2013. They came to me as I was reflecting on the year 2012 and starting to tap into how I wanted to feel in the new year. I had no idea what it would look like but I knew I deeply needed both of these things in my life. The adventure that has unfolded has been an amazing one. I can honestly say I am glad I had no idea what a year of creativity and collaboration would look like. The best part of the journey is watching it unfold and if you had told me what I would do this year I wouldn’t have believed you anyway!

Creativity

My year started with my 30th birthday which I spent painting at a ceramics studio with friends. I used to do this all the time with a childhood friend but somewhere along the lines I became more and more self conscious about doing it right and not being artistic enough. I went to New Hampshire (my first ever solo travel as an adult) to take a workshop on playing the harmonium, which I have been doing ever since. I launched my own business website and starting blogging as well as moved into a new office space. I was featured on KPBS for the work that I have done with Laughter Yoga in the mental health system. My band had their first gig where I got to try out my leading lady skills; they’re a little shaky but it was SO much fun. I traveled in Ecuador for a month where I stayed with a host family and studied Spanish. To me travel is the ultimate in exercising your creativity when you do it right! I took additional courses in energy healing, meditation and angel card reading as well as taught my own Reiki class to a lovely group of healers. I completed my 200 hour yoga teacher training with my first yoga teacher ever. I got upside down for the first time in my 13 year rarely consistent asana practice for some rad perspectives on life and love.

Collaboration 

I have connected with some incredible people this year and even when looking back on things that didn’t work out exactly how I had planned, I know that everything is perfect! I was fortunate enough to collaborate with several people through harmonium. I played in as many yoga classes and events as I could and loved the warm welcome that I received when offering to play and sing for folks. I navigated a move and some family drama with my partner that made us stronger as a team and made me love him even more. I joined a group of lovely women in a new moon healing circle and reveled in setting intention with group support and love.  I planned a therapy group with a dear friend and while the group did not take off this year, we created an amazing bond that has helped me beyond measure. We supported each other in building our businesses this year and laughed and cried about life and love. I also have been working with another sweet friend on creating a community for mothers and babies. This project also did not launch in the way we originally expected but we have kept the vision alive and I am fully expecting it to blossom next year. This friend has also been such a beacon of beautiful light in my life; she is always sending me lovely words of support right when I need them. This year also came with a letting go of a vision to create a non-profit and open a healing center with a business partner. Perhaps rather than a letting go, it has been more of a not now and not in this way.  I worked with some incredible women in my yoga teacher training and know that this just opened the door to the beginning of ongoing collaboration with one another.  It may appear that I had more failure than success in this avenue this year but for every project that fell flat, in it’s place is a mutually supporting, loving and nurturing relationship. And, THAT is what it’s all about.

I am feeling a little melancholy about saying goodbye to this year but I am excited to bring in 2014. My words for this new year are Power and Balance. I can’t wait to see how they play out!

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Life Lessons from Yoga by the Sea

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For 2 months this summer I had the great fortune of attending and playing harmonium in a yoga class at Sunset Cliffs led by my friend Renee Gauthier. It was absolutely lovely and something I looked forward to each week. The class will go through the end of September but I leave to travel soon and had my last class this week. Here are some things I learned or was reminded of about myself and life:

Everything happens for a reason and all in perfect time – I connected with Renee through my job but also discovered that she taught at the yoga studio where I practiced. If we had not met in the way we did, our paths still would have crossed. When I reached out to her to play in one of her classes she was creating the details for this event and thinking that she would like to have some live music. She said I texted her literally in the moment she was thinking about how great it would be to have live music in class. There are no coincidences!

Yoga + Ocean = Cure ALL – No matter how stressful my day was that day it all melted away as soon as I got to the water and got on my mat.

I don’t visit the water nearly enough – Why, oh why not? It’s so close and so beautiful. See above for more reasons why I should.

People want to share powerful life experiences – It was so fun to see how many people brought someone with them. Friends, neighbors, visiting family members all showed up to share yoga on the water in our beautiful city.

Change is constant – Each week the ocean and weather was different. Some days were clear and calm, others choppy and overcast. We had sunshine, cold, and even some slight drizzle. My body was different each week as well. Some days I felt strong and could do more challenging poses, other days I had to take it easy or could barely keep my balance.

Life is a learning process and mistakes are inevitable – I have only been playing harmonium for a few months and these classes were my biggest audiences yet. I am having a blast and loving every minute but I’m still a beginner and that means I screw up. It was a good opportunity to be able to recover from my mistake and keep playing. I got to practice this a lot 🙂

Put yourself out there anyway – If I was being cautious, which I definitely have been many times in my life, I would have waited until I felt more confident playing and singing to perform for people. But, I made the conscious decision early on to really jump feet first into this. I plan to work toward applying this to other areas of my life. There is just too much to lose when you hold back!

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Leaning into Fear

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Not long ago I wrote about learning to play the harmonium and the path that led me to it.  I am happy to report I have been learning and playing and loving every minute of it! It is hard not to feel blissful after chanting these really beautiful and powerful mantras. The ease in which all of this came into my life affirmed this is what I need right now.

I was feeling very grateful and that all was in perfect order!! That is, until I was asked to play in front of people.  My immediate reaction when my yoga teacher asked if I would play at her yoga teacher training graduation was “I’m not ready!” “What if I screw up?” “I can’t possibly be good enough to have people hear me!”  Luckily this doubt didn’t last long because my highest self stepped in and said “Jesalyn, would you really follow your intuition and the path to bringing this into your life, even when it didn’t make much sense, and then say no to your first gig?!” I had said yes so many times along the way but suddenly being afraid of looking bad or not being ready was going to stop me. I am happy to say that I did play and it was an amazing first experience. I certainly wasn’t perfect but I made mistakes that most people didn’t even notice. Most importantly, I felt supported and loved by everyone around me including the universe. It was an incredibly special moment since this was not just any yoga teacher but my very first ever teacher. I knew her when I was 17 and falling in love with yoga for the first time. I reconnected with her recently and have become a part of her amazing studio.

There are more times in my life than I’d like to recount where I did let fear stand in my way but thankfully this was not one of them. In fact, I will soon play in my dear friend’s yoga class as my second kirtan gig. Am I afraid of that? Yes, absolutely.  But, I am also excited and grateful that I am starting something amazing. I think if we didn’t start before we were ready we might never do anything. I look forward to making mistakes and learning from them but doing so with an open heart and so much joy.

Here’s to living a life where you feel the fear but do it anyway! I leaned into my fear and it was joyful and fulfilling. Who knows what I’ve missed due to fear but I am trying my best to use my fear as a compass to guide me. I’ve learned that fear is usually a good indicator that something amazing is on the other side.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” ~Neale Donald Walsh

me and Jolie

Jolie and I in front of the Ganesha puja