As a young adult I worked at the Del Mar Fair. It was a great summer job. You work everyday for the 20 or so days the fair is open with time in between work to enjoy the fun. I would plan out my daytime shifts so I could see the evening concerts I wanted, went often to say hello to the baby pigs and ate my fair share of deep fried and cheesy foods. I hold a lot of memories and life lessons from that time.

There was the time that I asked a man to see his ID for his credit card purchase and he said “My name is Inigo Montoya” to which I naturally replied “you killed my father prepare to die.” He was more than impressed with my knowledge of the reference.

The realization that many teachers were so underpaid that they needed to work the fair to earn extra money.

And the bicycle cop and man from the money room who flirted with me and made me feel special.

But of all the things that my young insecure self experienced, the one that sticks with me the most was this interaction with a customer. I went to give a man his change and not all of it landed in his hand. I sheepishly apologized as I fumbled with the coins. He looked me dead in the eye and said very seriously, “Don’t ever apologize too much in life” Taken aback I nearly squeaked “I’m sorry” but I caught myself just in time.

Since that time my awareness of all the times I apologize has increased. Frankly myself and many other women say it so often. Sometimes it seemed I was apologizing just for existing. It was almost an involuntary reflex. My ongoing work is to notice my “I’m sorrys” and to change my language. Offering up thank you instead of sorry is a useful tool I have learned. It’s certainly not perfect, but I am getting better.

So when I heard the young lady I work with apologize about seven times in one minute I cringed and remembered this lesson that was once bestowed upon me. She is just slightly older than I was during my fair days and likely just as insecure. I hesitated to say anything because it’s not really my place and maybe it would put her on the spot. But I sat uncomfortably thinking about what it might be like not to tell her also. I wavered back and forth and finally…

First I asked her if she didn’t mind getting unsolicited advice. Sure she said. Then I told her as sweetly as I could not to apologize too much in life. I shared with her my own process of understanding this and that it takes practice and awareness. I also told her my thank you trick. Her first reaction was that of slight embarrassment. Her body tensed and I think she even turned a little red. But as I shared my experience and admitted that I still don’t have it all figured out she softened. The spark of truth lit up inside her, she looked me in the eye and said thanks for sharing that.

Life’s too short to spend all your time apologizing. Unless of course you have screwed up. In that case, a heartfelt apology can go a long way and is most certainly warranted.