Category Archives: Trust

Occupying the Void

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I just moved to San Jose from San Diego, where I lived my whole life. I have been here 2 weeks today. Unpacking kept me pretty busy the first week but moving into the second week there has been less to do and more time to not do.

I’ve been reading “Spiritual Growth” by Sanaya Roman. It’s the third in a series and is one of those books that takes awhile for me to read because I read a little and then think about it, and hopefully integrate it into my life in some small way. Last week I read a chapter about the concept of ‘the void.’ She talks about the void being this space in between, where it may seem that you are doing nothing but actually you are doing so much. In the void there is a lot of letting go, expanding and preparing to soar to new heights. The void is about transition and opening up to different possibilities.

This really resonated with me. I am in the void right now. I am not working nor do I quite know what I want to do next. Don’t get me wrong, I do not feel we should identify ourselves by whether or not we are employed and where, but it was a big part of why I was recently feeling unfulfilled. For me, the void is also leaving behind all that I knew: friends, familiarity, family.

It doesn’t always feel that I am doing much on the outside but I am leaving behind a life that wasn’t serving me in some ways. I am allowing that life to fall away so that I can fully embrace whatever is next for me. I’m in a position of extremely good fortune in that I do not have to work or really do anything right away. I can embrace the void and see where it takes me. Trust me, it’s not always comfortable or easy but I am owning and occupying the void. And I am so grateful.

“Not-knowing can be the doorway to true knowing”
“Living in the void can be stimulating, challenging and expansive” Spiritual_Growth

Let Go or Be Dragged

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I’m moving to San Jose.

Those are 5 words I never ever thought I would say. Moving has not been on my radar at all, but this Native San Diegan is taking off for the Bay Area. In the past when I thought about moving, it was always to another country because I couldn’t imagine finding anywhere in the U.S. that I would like better than San Diego. I still think San Diego is pretty rad. It’s where I was born and raised and where all my family lives. But, sometimes the path we think we are on is different from the one we are actually living.

I’ve also been unhappy at my day job for more than a year.

That’s a phrase I have uttered and one that I have felt deep into the core of my being. But I stayed anyway. Why? Fear about sums it up.

Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear that I couldn’t find anything better. Fear that doing what I love wouldn’t pay the bills.

And so when I told a good friend that I was finally going to be able to give my notice she mentioned the Zen saying “let go or be dragged”. My yoga teacher and friend said “this is what will get you out of that job finally!” and countless others commented on how excited I must be to leave.

This upcoming move has left me no choice but to leave a job I have long since felt passionate about, but in turn I will be leaving behind many things I do love. I trust in the process though and I know that this will be a good move and that really I have been asking for this. Feeling stressed, coming home crying on a semi-regular basis and even shedding tears at work wasn’t enough to do it. So here I am with less than 2 weeks left at my job and no plan for what I will do when I get up north. My fiance was offered an amazing job opportunity and will be able to support the family (me, him and the cat) while I get settled.

And still there is fear. I have always worked and live in this paradigm where I have to support myself and bring in income. But, here is an opportunity to get my bearings, figure out what direction I want to go and trust that all will work out perfectly. I have so many passions and a deep desire to share them and so I step into this new journey knowing that I have to give up the life I planned in order to have the life that is waiting for me.

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Labor Day Lovespiration

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The inspirations for this blog always come from life. My life to be more specific, and often the themes and issues that I see in the lives of the people I work with. As we approach Labor Day and a wedding I will attend over the weekend, I can’t help but think of this little love story. Sometimes the hardest thing we do in life is let more love in.

3 years ago on Labor Day my partner and I decided to go to Seaport Village to play tourist in our own beautiful city. We walked around and then grabbed a snack but couldn’t find anywhere to sit. A couple offered for us to join them and we learned that their names were Pat and Kathy. He was a pilot for FedEx and was overjoyed that his wife was able to join him on a business trip for the first time ever. They told us about their kids and the wonderful life they had shared so far and then asked us about our relationship and if we planned to get married. My boyfriend spoke up and said “Oh, she doesn’t want to get married”

Pat shared that, like me, he had come from divorced parents and told Kathy from the start that he didn’t plan on marrying her. He said “we were together 5 years before we got married but I can honestly say marrying Kathy is the best decision I have ever made”  Cue the tears and the most tender “see it wouldn’t be so bad” look from my love. It was a special moment that I didn’t know would get even better. You could tell the couple was moved as well and Kathy said to Pat that it felt like a “vadeju.” She explained this to be a reverse dejavu and that once when they were our age they saw a cute older couple who had been together a long time. They both felt very inspired by this couple and hoped that one day they would be able to pay it forward. More tears. In fact, as many times as I have told this story I can’t do so without getting goosebumps and a little teary eyed.

We said our goodbyes, mentioned some things to do in San Diego and gave them our free zoo passes that we get for being members. As we walked away my boyfriend had the biggest grin on his face and I think he was sort of skipping (although that’s not terribly out of character) I told him he looked like he had won something. He promptly responded “Oh, I have!” You see, he knew as well as I did that they were placed in front of us for a reason. He barely even believed in that at the time but knew for certain that we were meant to meet them. Sometimes we wish we could find them and say thank you and maybe we will get to someday. But, more than anything we hope we get to inspire another couple down the road with our love and commitment.

My now fiance loves me more than I could ever explain but it has not always been easy for me to accept that love. It’s getting easier and easier and I definitely have Pat and Kathy to thank for that.

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Waterfall kissing in Ecuador

How I Lost My Writing Mojo

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I used to love to write. At one time in my life I said I wanted to be a writer. I think I decided on writer after realizing perhaps singer with my own lemonade stand was not realistic enough. English was my favorite subject in school, I always received good grades on essays and even had fun writing them, especially if they were reflecting on books I enjoyed reading. I struggled with grammar sometimes, damn comma rules are confusing, but my teachers always told us you can do whatever you want with grammar once you are a writer!

I wrote countless short stories when I was younger that were quite creative and fun.  I specifically remember a story with corresponding characters made from felt (the one artistic medium that was accessible to me as a non-artist!) about a crocodile and a mouse who became friends. I wrote poems and thoughtful messages in greeting cards to friends and family. I also had numerous pen pals who I exchanged actual snail mail with on a regular basis. I took a creative writing class in college in which I dissected a commercial and analyzed each detail about it, mostly pointing out the blatant sexism it displayed. I got a good grade on this paper and in the class and I was very proud of all of my work. It felt creative and a true reflection of my abilities.

I’m not sure when I realized that I no longer felt like a good writer. It became more clear to me when I started this website and blog. I would sit down to write and while I had things to say I didn’t feel like they sounded “good” or “creative” or like they came from a “writer.” I also once criticized my partner for writing in our travel journal as if he was writing a novel. I just documented the facts and he wrote all the details as if it were a story, a beautifully written story. His feelings were hurt and I was left wondering why I took a stab at his writing. His writing, by the way, played a big part in him wooing me early on in our relationship. It is good stuff and I continue to love the cards, texts and notes he writes me!  As often happens in life, others reflect a mirror back to us of what we need to see about ourselves and our first response sometimes is to lash out. I was envious that he had this creative streak in him and I was left just stating what we did.

I have recently felt more drawn to writing and have had others tell me they see this in my path as well. This got me thinking, ‘when did I lose my writing mojo?’ I figured it out and have since been trying to re-write, so to speak, this part of my life. I started graduate school for social work in 2006 and have been doing this work ever since. Much of the coursework and writings had to do with connecting to people and supporting them through difficult life circumstances. And in the workplace client documentation looks something like this: “Client presents with depressed mood and congruent affect. She reports recent increase in crying spells and inability to get to work on many days. She has thought about suicide but does not have a plan or intent to act. No reported history of drug or alcohol use” 

This kind of writing is the norm in the mental health community but holy crap is it boring! These notes are medical in nature and are meant to just report the facts. Well, no wonder I lost my creative spark writing this kind of thing all. the. time. Can you blame me?! I’m happy to say that thanks to starting this blog and becoming aware of when things went wrong, I am recovering from my boring, fact-stating, snooze fest writings. I don’t have to just identify as a social worker writing boring therapist notes. I can be many things including a writer. All this time I thought perhaps I had just gotten more and more dumb the longer I was out of school. But, as with anything it takes practice. Just as I can’t expect to remember any Spanish if I don’t practice, I can’t be a better writer unless I write. And so I have written a blog each month for just over a year and I can honestly say that I feel more comfortable than I did with my writing. And that same partner, who supports me even when I’m mean to him, says I have gotten better too!

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Beautiful logo for my business crafted by my creative and supportive fiance

 

Teaching my Lessons

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brene quote

The goal and mission of my business is to help people live their best life. To me this means living according to what you are passionate about and what brings you joy. This can come in the form of releasing past hurts or negative patterns, being assertive and speaking your truth, following your bliss, setting boundaries, and taking healthy risks. I find that often people need to be reminded that they absolutely deserve to live a good life and many times our work together is embracing this concept and allowing joy to flow.

It is very important to me to be authentic in my work and not to pretend that I have it all figured out. I tell clients that many of the lessons I share are ongoing ones for myself as well. Learning to see ourselves as perfectly imperfect is a concept I work with a lot for myself and for clients.

Let me be super clear and vulnerable here…I do not always feel that I am in alignment with my passion and joy and sometimes that sends me into a tailspin. The perfect example of this is my day job. I have worked for a psychiatric hospital for more than 3 1/2 years. It is a good job and I get to serve a population that really needs support. I cut back my hours as I built my business and have been part-time for about a year and a half. I know I do not want to be there forever (it’s a big organization with all the politics that come with that) and honestly thought I would have been able to quit by now. And, some days it is painful to be there. I have cried many times in my bosses office and in the arms of my supportive boyfriend about this. My boss is actually hugely supportive as well and will support me in whatever I do and I am so grateful for that.

My downward spiral goes something like this: I hate my job and being here lowers my mood and my vibration, it makes me mean and bitter and no one wants to be around someone who is mean and bitter. How am I supposed to help people live a joyful life if I can’t even leave a job I can’t stand? I’m a fake and a fraud and who would want to come see me to work on themselves? I should just quit and everything will work itself out… yes, I will quit… I’ll quit by such and such date. But I can’t do that, I won’t have enough money to live. I suck, life sucks!!!

As most of us know, that all happens in the span of a few seconds, but if I can take a breath, remember something I am grateful for, and put on my big girl panties I can see the bigger picture. I have come a long way and continue to actively expand my business which I love all of the time (for the record, I don’t hate my day job all of the time). I have already taken big risks and have been getting creative about where I am headed.  My ultimate goal is for my business to pay my bills (and then some!) and to be able to quit my day job. When I am fully in the bigger picture I know this is possible and I trust with all my heart that this is in my future. I trust myself and the universe and that all of this is part of my journey. I also know plenty of ways to raise my vibration and focus on joy so that I don’t stay caught in my downward shit storm spiral…some days I’m better at this than others.

And, the biggest reminder of all is… I DO NOT have to have it all figured out to help people! In fact, being in the position that I am now makes me more equipped to support people as they find the joyful life they deserve. My clients and I are often in the same boat and so I know exactly how they feel. I am teaching my own lessons and keeping it real along the way.

 

The School of Life is Now in Session

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I believe that we are all students in the school of life and we were placed here on Earth in this body to learn certain lessons. The good and the bad of it is that if you do not learn the lesson the first, fifth, or hundredth time, you have to take the class again. I also believe certain lessons continue to show up when they are very important or perhaps when you just need a refresher course. I am traveling in Ecuador and studying Spanish for a month and the lessons are abundant.

There are no coincidences: This one has come up for me a lot lately and I am grateful every time because I often need reminders. All things happen in perfect timing. The first person I met when I got off the plane told me he has been studying Reiki. I am a Reiki master/teacher and this felt like the coolest wink and hug from the universe. The woman where I am staying is just amazing and was the perfect person to come into my life. She embodies all that I have been studying over the past few years. We have talked about things like enjoying the moment by staying in the present, trusting that everything will work out and enjoying the flow of life. Every time we talk, she is telling me something that I have been working on and that has come to be a part of my everyday life. It’s like a review of all my life classes over the last few years.

Water is healing: This is a reccurring theme in my life as well. Just before I left I was going to a weekly yoga class by the water and it was amazing. Here in Cuenca, there are 4 rivers that run through the city. One of them is near my school and I walk by it everyday. There is simply something that is so peaceful about the water; it always brings a smile to my face. To me it represents the flow of life and that the only certainty we have, is change.

Enjoy each moment: Mindfulness is something that I try to work on in my everyday life but I think is especially important when you are experiencing a new culture. There are extraordinary things even in the ordinary moments of life and travel. My host mom exemplified this perfectly on the first day when she was walking me to school. We were walking and talking and she stopped in her tracks to admire a flower in bloom. She said something to the effect of “how beautiful! That wasn’t there before” and it was such a nice reminder to take the time to notice things in life.

It’s not always necessary to eat the minute you feel hungry: Here in Ecuador the biggest meal is lunch. I have traveled other places where that is the case and I really enjoy it. I found when I first arrived that I was feeling pretty hungry by the time lunch arrived (served in the home where I am staying about 1 or 1:30) But, I really enjoyed each bite by the time I ate lunch. I realized that at home I am often rushing to eat as soon as I feel hungry or often times even before I am actually hungry. I don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling hungry for a little bit, it means you are alive and your stomach is working as it should. And, as I have experienced it makes the food that you do eat so much better instead of mindlessly eating something just because you think you need to.

Your personal bubble is not as necessary as you think: I have noticed in Latin America there is much less emphasis on maintaining your personal space. People here kiss on the cheek to say hello to friends and people they have just met (I LOVE this) and you will often find someone will sit right next to you when there are other seats nearby. People tend to stand closer than you might be used to as well. At first it can be a bit strange when people from the US will think twice about sitting next to a stranger on a bench and guys try their hardest to keep a seat in between each other at the movie theater. But, ultimately you end up sharing more experiences this way. Our perception of a personal bubble is keeping us from connecting with others.

Travel the way the locals do: This one is important to me when I go somewhere new. I think you learn a lot about the people and the culture when you take their public transportation. It is not always as comfortable or as easy as getting a guide or going the tourist route but it is worth the experience.

Let go of your plans: I love making plans way ahead of time. I love putting things on my calendar and waiting with excitement and anticipation. I am a planner in my real life but when you are traveling many times you have to abandon your plans. It is totally fine to make plans but be prepared for the great possibility that they won’t always work out. Sometimes the greatest adventures happen when your plans don’t work out.

Health and wellness is a growing trend everywhere: The city where I am staying places great emphasis on exercise and heath. They have created parks with workout equipment and dedicated trails for runners, walkers and bikers. These parks also hold classes that are free or very affordable for the people of the city. Just like in the US, Ecuador has been having a problem with people who are not active enough and their health is affected as a result. Being that I am in the health and wellness business it is really refreshing to see such emphasis on this. It is entertaining and heart warming to hear the music of the exercise classes early in the morning and to see folks getting together later at night to run, jog, dance, walk or bike. I was also able to find a yoga class led by a couple who moved here from the US.

Stay open to the life lessons that are coming your way. Do you continue to be enrolled in the same class but never do the homework or pass the test? For me traveling continues to open my mind and provide me with amazing life lessons. Where do you get your best lessons?

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Ceremonial Magic!

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Moon

photo by marema/Shutterstock.com

I started following the cycles of the moon just within the last year or so. Of course, I always knew the moon was up there and would occasionally wonder if it was full based on my feelings or the level of stress and chaos at work. But, I wasn’t really paying attention until recently. What a beautiful thing to be tuned into! Now I can’t imagine not knowing when the moon is new and when it is full.  During this time of awakening and increased awareness I have been a part of many ceremonies surrounding the moon, other changes in nature, and as a result of other spiritual practices (yoga, energy work, chanting).  I will soon get to have the great pleasure of attending my first blessing way to honor a friend having a baby.

I have hosted new moon, full moon and solstice events and am also involved in an ongoing new moon women’s circle. I really love having this in my life and recently realized that this now seems totally normal to me.  I hosted a bonfire for the recent supermoon and we ended up sharing a fire pit with some young girls and one of their boyfriends. I brought some pieces of paper for a releasing ceremony and some flowers to send out into the ocean as a wish. I led all of my friends through this but also invited our new friends to join in. The girls were so cute and really got into it. They commented how spiritual and powerful it felt for them and wondered how I had ever thought of something like this. At that moment I realized what a gift it has been for me to learn more about setting intention, creating ceremonies and being more in touch with the magical qualities of nature. I felt blessed that I could share it with these young girls who no doubt will remember it in the future.

I did not grow up doing things like this and realize that perhaps not many others did either. Aside from church, which I did not grow up going to either, we live in a society where formal ceremonies tend to happen at birth and death with just a few moments in between; weddings, graduations, birthdays. I know there are some exceptions and personally know a few people who grew up honoring life and mother nature regularly, but as a rule we are fairly disconnected. And frankly, those who were more tuned in may not have talked about it for fear of seeming weird.  I now see there is room for ceremony in almost everything and hope that perceptions of this are changing. I have a ritual that I do before and after working with clients, when I wake up, when I am asking for something and when something bad happens to someone I know or to the world. Some of these things are simple and subtle, others are more more complex and involved. And others are just downright playful, like howling at the moon with my sisters; a personal favorite! I try to do all of them with love, reverence and gratitude. I can’t say that I have never been called a weirdo, hippy or even a witch because of it but I don’t mind.

Zsuzsana Budapest, who identifies herself as a feminist witch, offers this definition of a witch:

“A witch is a woman or a man who considers the Earth a living, breathing, conscious being – part of the family of the vast universe – to be regarded and respected as God herself. To be a witch, you have to see yourself as part of God, who is present in, not separate from, us and all living beings” (p57, The Grandmother of Time).

I don’t know about you but this does not at all sound like the witches that most people picture. This definition is beautiful to me and definitely falls in line with beliefs that I have come to understand.  I happily embrace magical ceremonies into my life and look forward to learning more and sharing with others. What ceremonies did you grow up with and how can you bring more magic and nature into your life?

Trust…No, I mean really trust

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I started getting interested in and studying energy healing about 3 years ago. I really believe it was always a part of me, and of all of us for that matter, but I seriously started paying attention after having my first Reiki session.  I started reading books, meditating more and took my first Healing Touch class; I studied Reiki a bit later. I was hooked!!!

One of the biggest messages handed down from the founder of Healing Touch is to just “do the work.”  It is a simple lesson in trust and not being attached to the outcome but one that is often hard to incorporate.  When I first started energy work I was excited but also anxious to know more and be able to help people by connecting to divine guidance.  I wanted the heavens to open up and for me to receive clear messages that I could deliver to my clients.  As it turns out, intuition did not work that way for me.  When I would do sessions I would get some information but often it seemed muddy and didn’t make much sense.  Sometimes it would be right on and I would be able to connect it to something obvious but other times I was left wondering.  I learned early on from both my teachers and trial and error that even when it doesn’t make sense you should still bring it up with confidence.  That last part didn’t come easily at first and I would often gently mention something but almost as an afterthought that couldn’t possibly be significant.  Client’s picked up on my lack of assurance and there were times I felt very ineffective.  Side note: energy healing is not only about tapping into intuition and receiving guidance but I thought it was SO cool and really wanted to get it right.

My ability to trust increased as I got more practice and gained more confidence and confirmation in the work that I was doing.  Every time that I was able to confidently share some guidance I received and it was accurate, I trusted a little more.  I would also like to say that I reminded myself daily to be in a space of trust and love.  I knew that only in that space would I be able to do my most effective work.

I have been able to trust in the universe a lot more but I was recently reminded that this is still something for me to work on and maybe always will be.  I have received confirmation in at least three different instances that one of my totem animals is a dove.  A totem animal refers to an animal whose energy is similar to yours and in learning about this animal you can learn more about and better understand yourself.  Animal medicine is very powerful and can be a great aid in healing work.  To learn more check out Ted Andrew’s book Animal Speak.  Anyway, I already knew that this was my totem animal but given a recent opportunity to ask an oracle card reader a question, I asked what my totem animal is.  Now, I could lie to myself and say I was just asking to see if I have any other totem animals but the truth is I was testing it.  Sure enough the reader pulled dove and I proceeded to be in a space of relief and of also wondering why I just couldn’t trust my own intuition.  I tell my clients to do this so how can I still be struggling?!

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Art by Jenni Robison

I realized that if I really seek to trust, then I trust that all of this, even my evolution of trusting and my ongoing occasional doubts, are all perfect!  This has been part of my path and I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all the steps along the way.  I continue to work on trusting that all is in perfect order, that my guidance and intuition are meaningful and valuable, that I will manifest things that I desire into my life.  I also trust that I will still need to work on some of the same issues as my clients and that as long as I am constantly striving to be the best person I can be everything is alright!  I still have to remind myself to trust and love but luckily that is one mantra that I don’t think I can ever wear out.  Where can you invite in more trust and love?  Do you still question things and can you honor this as part of your path while striving to trust just a little more than yesterday?