Cheers Wisdom

Posted on June 28, 2018 by jesalynjae

It’s been three months since my husband and I moved back to San Diego. Catching up with family and friends and eating lots of good food has occupied our time. We have even gotten to see some San Jose friends who made the trip down for one reason or another. It finally feels real that we are home.

I was recently reminded of the importance of being seen and how settling that feels to my system. One Saturday night we went to a concert where a friend was playing. It was expected that we would run into people who also know this badass percussionist (check them out – Golden Hour) but I also encountered not one but two other friends from completely different areas of my life. The first time it happened it was sweet and unexpected, but during the warm embrace of the second encounter I was reminded that we do just want to go where everybody knows our name. At least I do.

For those of you who remember the series Cheers, the theme song lyrics stated “sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name….and they’re always glad you came” But the show was also known for a repeated scene when a regular customer would walk in and be greeted by a stereo of voices calling his name…”Norm!”

When I moved to San Jose it was one of the losses I felt most strongly when we first arrived. I didn’t know anyone. I considered it a great success when I ran into someone I knew from yoga at the grocery store. That simple act of recognition made my heart sing.

I realize this may not be the case for everyone. I’m first to admit that I have recognized someone I know in public and gone out of my way to not be seen by them. For some that may be a feeling they get across the board. There are multiple reasons why someone might not like to be seen but for me it creates a soothing feeling, a reassurance, a sense of community that goes a long way.

My heart aches for the families who are being separated at the border. To think about the impact of being torn from your caregivers and sent to a place where you see no familiar faces. I suspect the effects will be long lasting. I pray for their swift reunion and peace through the process. I also donated to organizations devoted to helping this cause. I wish I could do more or more importantly that it never happened in the first place.

Because the fact of the matter is, we are all connected. Ideally, each face we look into should mirror parts of ourselves. Even if we don’t see someone we know personally, their common humanity should shine back at us. I am certain this is where we come from on a soul level…I hope it’s where we are headed back to. For now I will enjoy the sweet bliss of the “Cheers effect” and make efforts to do the same for others.

Happy to be back by the ocean. SD beaches are the best!

Thank You San Jose!

Posted on March 30, 2018 by jesalynjae

Three and a half years ago I found my way to San Jose. Just this week we moved back to San Diego. My husband and I took a leap for his job and decided to relocate to the land of tech opportunity. Much of the past few years have not unfolded the way we thought they might, but nonetheless it’s been perfect. As I close one chapter and step into another I would like to express my gratitude for the experience. I was born and raised in San Diego and had never lived anywhere else, so this was a big change for me. But San Jose delivered on many levels and made our time there sweet and memorable.

Some of the things that I will hold dear about this experience include:

The break I got to take from working. I was pretty burnt out when we moved and taking a year+ off of my social worker duties allowed me to heal and get back in with a lot more passion and heart.

My community! The first thing I did when I arrived was set up a meetup to gather women together. This started at my house, expanded to the local yoga studio and then turned into a podcast. Not only did I meet some of the most amazing women but I also solidified a new career path and passion. I am forever grateful to the goddesses I was graced with.

Yoga, all the yoga! The Bay Area definitely delivers in quality yoga classes and trainings. I was so blessed to get to participate in some rad yoga education opportunities. If you know me, you know learning is one of my favorite things and learn I definitely did.

The trees! When we first arrived I was in awe of all the different types of trees that the Bay offers. San Diego is somewhat limited to the palm varietal and a few eucalyptus so the beautiful trees were a real sight to me. Not only do you see trees everywhere you go but there are gorgeous state parks and natural reserves to explore. My husband and I went camping for the first time up there and also spent many weekends journeying around the area.

Our friends. We actually knew one couple up there from San Diego and I had some high school & college friends, but otherwise everyone we met came into our lives over these past few years. I crave social contact in the form of quality relationships and we met some really awesome folks. Fortunately most people are interested in visits to San Diego so I am looking forward to showing them all the good Mexican food 😉

Financial security and debt relief. Honestly money was one of the driving factors of our decision to move. My husband had a lot of school debt and felt capped in his earning potential in San Diego. So while we do not believe money solves everything, we knew alleviating some debt now would set us up for a better future. We were able to pay off my husband’s student loans (so huge!) and save to hopefully buy a house in San Diego. This is such a gift!

My husband. This one is not specific to San Jose but our time here did illuminate even more why I love this guy. We were not married yet when we first moved, so living in San Jose made me a wife. Also, it was at my husband’s absolute insistence that made me agree to take a break from working (I guess he was tired of stressed out crying Jesalyn) This allowed me to be a house wife for a time, which I actually liked quite a bit. It also allowed me to eventually find a job that I was really passionate about.

I never would have predicted that I would leave San Diego but I am so happy that I did. It reminded me how important family is (I missed everyone so much!) and not to take for granted all the wonders that exist in my hometown (delicious food and beautiful beaches are the two I missed the most!) And now I have a home away from home that I can visit.

Some Masks We Should Never Wear

Posted on October 31, 2017 by jesalynjae

On Saturday, my husband and I got invited to a fun Halloween party. We were super excited because it’s the first time we have had the chance to really dress up and go somewhere fun since we moved up North. The place was decorated, people were costumed, food and drinks were abundant and a live band was starting up.

I first saw this guy’s costume from behind and only noticed the afro and the Kaepernick jersey. I thought maybe he was honoring the fact that he started the take a knee movement, sounds alright to me. And then I saw him from the front and once my nearsighted eyes focused without my glasses, I noticed that he had painted his face black. What year is this? Haven’t people learned that it’s usually not ok to dress up as another race, culture, gender, etc. Especially when your intent is to poke fun or comment on sensitive current events.

But I’m not choosing to share because there are still clueless people out there, I guess that is not really a surprise. I want to share how I, as a well meaning person who believes in equal treatment for all, did not know what to do in this situation. It was clearly wrong and yet most everyone, including me, went on with the party. This dude was allowed to come into the event, (as it turns out he was good friends with the owner) the band didn’t come to a screeching halt when he made his entrance and he appeared to have a date and people who were willing to be around him as well.

It’s not that I didn’t consider saying something. I’m normally outspoken, often saying what’s on my mind to a fault including standing up for others. A well loved high school teacher said something extremely racist in class one day. It was directed at a fellow classmate and I called him out on the spot. He did not take kindly to this and disliked me for the rest of the school year but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have also called out my grandparents (does anyone have grandparents who aren’t racist?) and sometimes my own parents for saying something off color.

My working plan was to confront this guy on the way out by casually letting him know his costume was not appropriate. The why of my not going right up to him and telling him in the moment was that we were with my friend for a work related party. I didn’t want to be the one who caused trouble or made her look bad. I also heard her tell her husband not to say anything. But honestly those are just excuses. When something isn’t right you should call it out no matter the consequences.

As it turned out my friend ended up confronting him when it became clear that no one was going to step up. As one of few black people at the party, she did not feel that it was right to leave without making it clear that this guy had overstepped to say the least. Although she was not the only one appalled, she was sadly in the minority. Many people, including the party’s host, brushed it off noting that it was supposed to be funny.

I noticed them connecting and thought perhaps it was going well. As I saw it start to take a turn with raised voices and unfriendly stares, I instinctively moved in closer but still said nothing. We left the party following this incident and later that night back at home, my husband and I wondered if we should have done more.

The short answer is yes, we should always speak up when something isn’t right. Perhaps it’s more complicated than that although I don’t think it should be. Why did we just go back to dancing and having fun after this guy cruised in with a disgusting display of privilege and complete lack of respect? Why was it that a black individual ended up being the one to speak out? And why was I more worried about looking bad or being difficult than standing up for my friend? I’m still asking myself this, and while I don’t have all the answers, I hope I keep asking the questions as long as it takes.

My friend said she didn’t intend to confront him at first and perhaps if her husband and we as her friends had not been there she might not have had the courage. I have to trust that our presence meant something and next time I have to do better. We all can do better.

Make New Friends but Keep The Old

Posted on June 30, 2016 by jesalynjae

I’m at the point in my life where I can say something happened 10, 15, or 20 years ago and I wasn’t still in diapers…or even grade school. My grandma used to tell me stories of things that happened 10+ years ago. When I was young, that seemed like such a long time ago but to her it was just a drop in the bucket.

Now, 1998, the year I started high school, is almost 20 years away. And I’m amazed and blessed to say that one of my childhood friends and I have known each other for 25 years. 25 years! 25 years of growing up together, laughing, crying, having fun, making memories and achieving life milestones. It’s our Silver Anniversary of Friendship. Yes, I’m making that a thing with an official title.

Emily and I were in the same class in third grade but it wasn’t until we both started going to the Boys and Girls Club after school that we really started hanging out. We quickly became best buds and spent most of our time together.

Over the years there have been ups and downs but thankfully we have stayed connected. We know each others stories, all about our families and always want the best for one another.

Friendships are an amazing part of life especially when they span the ages. I feel like you really have to learn to be a good friend. Some of the qualities of friendship are innate but it’s a part of life to grow into your role as a kind, thoughtful, be-there-when-it-counts friend.

I’ve made mistakes over the years with this relationship. Poor communication, petty arguments, not being there for important moments, saying the wrong thing and overall shitty immature behavior. But, those are the life lessons that we get during our time in Earth school. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to figure it out as I went and luckily at this point the good times far outweigh the not so good.

I feel so fortunate to have always had at least a few good female relationships throughout my life. My friendship with Emily has contributed to my current passion for bringing women together for support and connection. I talk to many women who have struggled to maintain relationships with other women stating “I’ve always connected more with guys.”

I believe women need each other. We are stronger together and I vow to continue to nurture my female relationships so that I can be living proof of this truth.

Emily now has a daughter and she recently took time away from her mama duties to come visit me and see my life in San Jose. I have some new friends here but nothing beats the comfort of an old friend. At the end of the day we all just want to be seen, accepted as we are and loved unconditionally. Thanks Emily for being my Silver Friend. Let’s go for Gold!